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| 12 helpful hints for the newly democratic by Ha'aretz Daily | eMail to a friend
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Posted on July 2, 2002
By Yoel Marcus
Below, Mr. Chairman, is a list of 12
hints to get you started on the reforms that will turn the Palestinian Authority
into the democracy founded on tolerance and liberty that President Bush is
calling for:
1. Instead of trimming government ministers, as you've done, you should double
and triple the number. Appoint ministers, deputy ministers, committee chairmen
and so on. Give them fat salaries, fancy cars and plane tickets to foreign
countries. Make sure that approximately half the parliamentarians are
officeholders. This will insure that those with vested interests - think Peres
and friends - will not topple the government. As your colleague Ariel Sharon, a
veteran democrat, once said: "It's hard to say goodbye to deerskin
seats."
2. Keep the threshold for election to parliament as low as possible - lower,
even, than the percentage of votes needed to get into the Knesset. This will
prompt at least 20 parties to run for election. The more small factions in
parliament, the larger the government and the greater your control over them,
given your skillfulness as a manipulator. Allow the Jews who stay behind in your
temporary state to vote and be elected. You won't have to crush them; they'll
fall apart on their own.
3. The bigger your government, the less you will have to include your ministers
in your decisions. You can be the big cheese by employing that fiction known as
the kitchen cabinet. In Golda's kitchen cabinet, which met in her real kitchen
in Ramat Aviv, Pinhas Sapir and Israel Galili settled national affairs over a
glass of tea and almonds. Sharon may offer more substantial refreshments, but
he's the one who decides.
4. Keep up good relations with your Haredim - Hamas and Islamic Jihad. Ply them
with generous budgets and be respectful of Sheikh Yassin. Anything so long as
they die on the altar of Koran and not in Israeli population centers.
5. Even if they call you "president," be a prime minister. Turn the
presidency into an honorary position and use it to lock up your most dangerous
rival. In this gilded cage, as President Chaim Weizmann used to say, the only
place you can stick your nose is in your handkerchief. The real dictators of the
globalization era are prime ministers.
6. Turn the ambitious young guard of the Palestinian revolution, seeking to
inherit your mantle, into a corps of Prince Charmings, attending parties and
giving interviews until they are old and gray.
7. Joblessness may turn out to be your worst enemy. Learn from the Jews: Pay
your citizens unemployment benefits and import workers from Thailand.
8. Over time, the right of return could start the pot boiling. The best way to
deal with it is to place the question "Who is an Arab?" at the top of
the agenda. Is the son of a Coptic mother and a Sunni father a Palestinian, or
the other way around? Can the grandchild of a Palestinian be considered a
returning refugee even without producing his grandfather, alive or dead?
9. Don't be afraid of establishing a bona-fide legal system like ours. With your
population and our brand of efficiency, no verdict will be reached until the
litigants are ready to croak. As for the High Court of Justice, Sharon will
gladly give it to you as a present.
10. Make a lot of festive announcements about grand projects like a suspension
bridge to Cairo, a West Bank subway system or hanging gardens between Ramallah
and Jerusalem. Money and aid will pour in from all corners of the globe - a
little for your non-profit associations, a little for your private democratic
election fund. When it comes to implementation, as they say, God is great.
11. Be sure to establish a committee of inquiry for anything that goes wrong.
There is no better trick for evading responsibility and reassigning blame for
government screw-ups.
12. And most importantly, when democracy finally arrives, take off those
ridiculous khakis, treat yourself to a shower and a shave, get rid of the
kaffiyeh and buy a dark suit at Segal's. Short, round, elegant, amiable, bald -
you'll be so different that one fine day you might find Sharon accidentally
shaking your hand. And then peace will reign forever between the only two
democracies in the Middle East - or in the mind of George Bush.
The above article was directly quoted from Ha'aretz Daily, click here to view the online version.
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